Identities in Dialogue

Mirrors and Inches

Maybe if I cut off one toe

the middle one on each foot

ideally

with garden clippers

and an apple

in my mouth

juices trickling

down

my

chin

drops

rooted in shame

Maybe if I cut off all of my hair

the golden mane

I hide

beneath

using an electric razor,

quick, painless, buzzing

resulting in

fingernail nubs and bloody hangnails

Maybe if I discard my left arm

I rarely use it

anyway, it dangles,

it’s unnecessary

so

perhaps i could find

a clean saw

a lethal dose to put me

under

Maybe if I can be

l i g h t e r

smaller

take up less space

Maybe if I can step on a scale and

own a lesser

number

Maybe then

I will be just enough

For him to like me

As if I am

a pictures on a screen or

a body in a magazine

This poem is a reflection about the expectations of women’s bodies. I am making ironic statements about the extreme measures that one might go through in order to weigh less. My memory is flooded with times I skipped breakfast and only ate an apple for lunch, a salad for dinner, and ended up binging on a dozen Oreos and peanut butter at 10pm. The countless times I have been to the doctor and was told that my body mass index is overweight for my age, my height, and my gender. Those who are in power and those who are influential have been telling me for years that detox tea could do the trick, and that boys like girls with big butts, small waists, and pretty faces. No wonder I have never had an official boyfriend. Most days I wake up wondering what it would be like to have a flat stomach and feel comfortable in the shower. Would it solve all of my problems? By the looks of it, judging from social media and what I know about frat parties, I would definitely be an ideal candidate for a hot husband if I had a hot body. The patriarchy is why I have inflicted and still inflict violence on my own body. It’s why I wonder if I can go two more hours without eating and it’s why the fatphobic fear of the“freshman 15” ruined my first year of college. The violence that I experience is through my own doing, yet I have come to the realization that it is through the patriarchy’s doing as well. As Freitag said in her article, we are a part of a patriarchal system that sexually objectifies, commodifies, and controls female bodies. My self-hatred and self-violence come from the ultimate understanding that women should be beautiful and to be beautiful is to be thin.